have you?

So in general I'm sure you can tell that I do not post regularly.
I do it sporatically and at times I feel like I'm whining to the world and I don't think the world needs more whiners.
But I guess if I do it right, I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Have you judged someone?
I judge people all the time, non-stop and even my closest friends.
I've judged people solely on the bad things that they've done instead of all the good things, and then crucify them for it. That's probably worse of all. I think this way of people, of friends, even family. And it's eating me inside. Shouldn't I trust my friends and family to do the right thing? Even if they do something I don't approve of, with their track record of being so amazing and spectacular, shouldn't I trust that this is best? Even if it's not in my best interest? My view of events usually involves what's best for me, not for everyone else...

Have you done something so horrible you don't know how to fix it?
That's all very bad of me, but what about the opposite way. Seeing only the good in someone simply because of the few good things they've done and not at their whole life. Blinding oneself to see simply what you want to see? Have you ever done this, how did you fix it? I'm in this one spot where it feels like I'm being tugged and pulled in opposite directions: That, no, my first and maybe hazy impression was not a lie. Or perhaps that the haze got in the way from making a proper assessment.

Have you acknowledged your mistakes?
I've started to recognize my mistakes and try my best to pull back, apologize, hope that they can forgive me for judging them solely on decisions I disapprove of. So is my next step really analyzing the ones I only see the good of and maybe seeing something ugly, something I don't want to see.

Have you had to make that difficult decision?
Either open your eyes to the truth and maybe be blinded or maybe just expecting the worse, or perhaps realising your error and try to figure out the waste of life you've spent before figuring this shit out.

Have you made any sense in this?
I haven't, not yet.
Being in a new town, with a new family dynamic, no friends to pat you on the back to say it's alright, nowhere that you think of as your own and driving yourself stir-crazy. These questions I've dumped onto myself are much harder here than they would be there. There I can knock on doors, ask questions and get answers. Here, I have to delegate, play nice while yelling in frustration behind locked doors hoping no one will hear and think you've gone mad.

When, truly, I probably have gone mad.